As mentioned her several times, I’m on my way to Berlin very soon. I can’t wait to see the town, where I’m born. That in itself is a good reason to see the city, but apart from that, I’ve only heard that it’s a lovely place.
I have a lot of plans, and I hope I’ll get to do the most in the 7 days. When that is said, I don’t want to stress, but enjoy it. So I need t,o write a very prioritised list one of these days. Very exciting, both to see the town, but also places, where my biological mother has been and where I also was in my first 13 months.
One of the things I’m not going to do, when I get to Belin is to see my biolgogical sister, who lives there with her husband. A lot of people has contributed with input on this, and I’ve reached a desission – I’m not going to contact her. There’s two very good reasons for that in my oppinion.
First time I contacted her was in 1993, where she very kindly wrote back and sent photos of her, our mother andher grave (which she one year later had cancelled it later turned out- to my great sadness). But I’ve decided to visit the church yard. It’s an old and beautiful church yard (from what I’ve been able to see on the net). You know my weekness for those. It was fantastic to get the letter then, but also bittersweet, because she was very clear in the fact that she didn’t want any contact, and that it had been difficult for her to answer me.
She is nearly 20 years older than me, and as such was more or less grown up, when I was born (not the plan at all) and that has properly not been much fun, as the fact that she didn’t grown up with our mother. That’s the ost obvious explainations. Her reason for not meeting as well was also that we had so different lives so she couldn’t see any reason for getting in touch. To me that’s not an argument at all, and she has no idea about how my life has been. We have grown up in different periods and that dosen’t mean we can’t have things in commong. I mean I have had and have friends, that could be my grandparents, parents, children etc. So it might have been to find another reason to justify it to herself to write it. I don’t know.
On the other hand I’ve had a lot of arguements from you to write her again. I do want to empfasize, that I did try and write her a couple of years ago, with all your arguments in hand, that time had passed, and then she would have my contact information (I’ve been moving a lot since the first letter), futhermore she is my only “window” to that side of the family. Photos, histories etc. And yes she is, and especially because the finding my biological father is not going very well either, it’s so much more important – to me! Obviously not to her, and not showing any kind of understanding for that. Or she’s not able to. I did write for all those reasons a couple of years ago – a reccomended letter, that was never picked up. At that time I wasn’t sure if she was still at that adress but later it was confirmed, that she is. That was to me a very clear signal, that she is not interested.
I dont’ understand it, but I have to respect her wishes and I don’t want to hurt her, or want her to think badly of me for not doing so. At the same time, I’m very sad about it, because if nothing else, I’d like the information about the rest of the family. So the decission is that I’m not contacting her. If she changes her mind, I’m not exsactly difficult to find on the net.
In terms of my biological father I’ve had a few oppertunities that are going to be checked out a little more when I get home from Berlin.