En ny afhængighed – Long Lost Family

Jeg har fået en ny afhængighed her på nettet – Long Lost Family. Programmerne bliver selvfølgelig vist i England på TV, men heldigvis ligger der tonsvis på Youtube, og jeg svælger i dem, siden jeg fandt dem for et par dage siden.

Når man som jeg, sidder med tonsvis af ubesvarede spørgsmål og selv mangler halvdelen af historien – eller faktisk mere, fordi man ingen svar kan få, så kan man jo altid glæde sig over andres svar.

Mine egne spørgsmål, får jeg nok ikke svar på. Jeg skal have skrevet nogle mails i den anledning, som sidste desperate forsøg på at finde ud af mere, men jeg har ingen forhåbninger om, at det lykkes længere. Vi får se, og jeg holder jer opdateret, når jeg når dertil.

Dad’s, mum’s among others sins, leave their trace – Stop!

Christmas and New Years is often used to make status regarding a lot of things, and this is the case here too. Also about the subject of adoption and that kind of issues. For me personally of course it’s adoption, but the “being left” part dosen’t need to have the label of adoption on it. This is a bit of a long entry, but I hope you stick with me till the end.

Most of those who read my blog knows that I’m adopted. It has never been a secret, on the contrary. You could argue, that with white parents and me being mulatto, some sort of explanation was needed anyway. but I hope and firmly believe that I’d gotten one even if that hadn’t been the case. I have been told the story about how I became their daughter as long as I can remember. That’s the way it should be. Not when the child is a teenager (a way to sensitive age), or when the child is 18 (way too late). You have a right to know where you come from, and you should know as early as possible.

When that is said, I’m not saying, that there can’t be details that children don’t need to hear before they get older. But as far as they ask, they should have an answer that isn’t a lie. If they can “invent” the question, they can properly deal with the answer. That has to be a judgement call but the answer should be as near t the truth as you think is “proper”.

The reasons for me writing this entry is, that I had some answers in my adoptionstory in the year that passed and gerally just thoughts I have had on the subject. Unfortunately, none very good I’ll have to say. But the one answer might explain the other. That I’ll never know, I’m sorry to say. Not on this planet anyhow. One was that I as a last attempt tried writing my biological sister to make sure, she was adiment that she don’t want any contact. She is unfortunately and she’s not going to answer my questions either, but is still of the oppinion that “the past should rest”.

I don’t think so. It’s part of us, men there’s nothing I can do. Later I did get some information, which is part of her past as well, that might explain, why she think it should “rest”. There is a lot Germans think needs to rest and which they are not prould, especillay in connection with 2nd. World War – then I havne’t said too much and you can properly fill out the spaces. But this information is also part of my past, as it’s also my ancestors. Unfortunately I have only found this one information about this in one place and I still need to fill out a lot of blancks. If they’re going to be, I don’t know but I’m still currious. I must admit, I have a hard time believing in finding more information, as there’s not any family or others I can ask. The only thing I can rely on is goverment archives in different places. They are either lacking or defective, or not obtainable or simply lost in the chaos that followd in Germany and other places after a long war.

What should be the conclusion of this, I don’t know. Whatever the reason I can’t make any sense of it. The few times I’ve written to her, she has answered nicely, but has also been very firm in her believe about no contact. I don’t understand, why she’s reacting like this. As I see it, she has nothing to loose. But that’s the way it is. I make no secret of that I feel bad about it. No matter how you look at it, it’s a rejection and that’s never nice. It is only made worse of the fact that I don’t have any other family on that side, as my biological mother passed years back and as far as I know, there isn’t any other family. If there is any relatives from siblings of my biological mothers parents I don’t know. That was one of the questions for my biological sister.

That was a little about the personal side of things. The next I next, was what I really wanted to say with this entry. As most of you know I watch “Sporløs” and I’m almost equally touched every time (and before you ask, yes I have been in touch with them). Another programme series, I’ve started to follow is called “Meldt Savnet” (missing) in Danish and in English “The Locater”, and is sent on the ID channel, but very early in the morning, so normally I record it. I had heard of Troy Dunn (The Locater) earlier, and he is also a possiblity in the businees of finding my biological father potentielly, if what’s going on at present is not succesful. I was very close to writing him, when I had contact to then one helping me now. If anything comes of it, I doubt, but let’s see.

But to stay “on track” I’ve been watching these programmes. Troy Dunn finds missing familymembers in them. When I say family memebers it can be sisters, brothers, daughters, mothers, fathers etc.

After I have seen quite a large number of them, I’m totally in chock over what “well meaning” mothers, fathers, grand parents etc. often do to part children from their mums or dads. Very, very often these parents have been portraitet as bad parents who is not worth knowing, if they have not been lied dead or supposedly chosen to dissapear, when it was actually themselves who refused them access to their own child.

Left behind is children with broken hearts who dosen’t understand and who often feel it’s their fault, that they are left behind. who often feel it’s their fault that they were left behind. Why are you letting your own child down and don’t want to see it?? Children can’t process it or understand, and they yearn for an explanation. We see it adopted children, but here we are also talking about children, who as mentioned above, were separated from their pareents (that could be mother or father or both). How do you in even relatively moderne times, get to a point where you can be that selfish, is beyound me. Very often it has been grandparents who has been pulling the strings and who obviously dominate their children to some awful decissions. It has to be said that these programmes is in USA, where the system is very different. Partly as far as adoption goes but also in terms of it’s far easier to dissapear. But there is lesson in this for all.

Whatever you think of your son/daughter-in-law, ex-husband/wife, the child in this “game” needs contact with her father, mother etc. Maybe you didn’t get along, for whatever reason. Unless there are very serious reasons (addiction, abuse etc.) that the child dosen’t want to get involved. Anyhow when adult it should have the oppertunity to make up it’s own mind. And you can in as neutral a way as possoble tell the truth before and say, that if they still want to, the contact can be made later. Apart from harming the child and the left out parent with the lies, there’s also the risk that you “shoot yourself in the foot”. If I fould out that one of my parents had been lying about the other my whole life and intentionally has kept me from him, I know who I would blame! So for God’s sake don’t. It’s not your decission, but one you have to make yourself with all the information.

Unfortunately there is parents who for reasons beyond me, don’t want to see their children. I have to be honest and say, my heart bleeds for the children, but in a sense, they might be better of without them. They’ll have to deal with that there’s a lot we don’t understand and live with it.

In terms of adoption, I also have to say, it most certainly has to be a last option. In civilised countries, there are reasons as drugs, drink and mental illness or simply illness, but it has to be a last and only resort. Here we haven’t event mentioned the things that are into play, when we’re talking about Undeveloped countries. Thank you if you stayed with me this far, and of course feel free to give me your take on it below.

Uden de store forhåbninger

(scroll down for English version)

Er der nyt spørger du måske? Tjah, på en måde er der, men ikke sådan, at jeg har fundet nogen, men jeg har modtaget lidt oplysninger omkring min biologiske morfar. Jeg ved ikke nok endnu til, at jeg har lyst til at dele det endnu, og jeg “synker” stadig selv oplysningen. Men på et tidspunkt, skal jeg nok dele med jer. Men at sige, at jeg har en broget baggrund, er vist en underdrivelse. Men det gør det faktisk kun spændende.

Min tyske hjælper og jeg kæmper stadig for at få mine biologiske bedsteforældres dødsattest, det har indtil nu taget over 2 år, uden resultat – hvorfor ved jeg ikke, men så svært burde det ikke være, men jeg er klar over, at mange papirer og ting, blev ødelagt under krigen og efter også.

Al den søgen i 26 år, giver heldigvis nogle søde venner online også, og en af dem, sendte mig for noget siden kontaktoplysninger til en herre, der muligvis kan hjælpe i min søgen. Jeg har lige skrevet til ham i dag. Bedre sent end aldrig, men al den sygdom har jo ligesom gjort sit, og jeg forventer uanset ikke, at finde ham i live, eller i det hele taget, at han finde. Dog jeg har lært, man skal aldrig give op, for man ved aldrig. Men det virker godt nok som om, at det er meningen, at jeg ikke skal vide noget om fortiden. To be continued…..

Press to read in English:
Læs resten

En afslutning

Du husker måske, at jeg skrev dette indlæg, omkring at få nogle informationer fra min biologiske søster. I dag fandt jeg et kort i min postkasse fra hende, som definitivt lukker den dør, og uden jeg er blevet en klap klogere. Lidt i form af endnu et foto af min mor og hendes mor (vores mormor), men ellers ikke.

Ikke et ubehagligt brev som sådan, men bare meget tydeligt, at der ikke er noget at komme efter der – desværre. Selvom det var ventet, en underlig og trist fornemmelse! Så nu tror jeg ikke, jeg orker at lede mere på nogen måde. Jeg har forsøgt alt, og jeg har ikke mere energi på den konto nu. Den energi jeg har, vil jeg hellere bruge på andre ting. Dukker der mirakuløst informationer op, er det fint, og gør der ikke, så må det være sådan. Så derfor en afslutning!

Et sidste forsøg

Jeg har ikke talt om det længe her,og det er såmænd fordi der ikke har været noget, at fortælle. Omkring min søgen efter biologiske rødder/ophav/informationer.

Lidt er der dog sket nu. En kontakt, jeg har fået i Tyskland, har på mine vegne prøvet at opsøge min biologiske søster i Berlin for et sidste forsøg på eventuelt kontakt, og hvis ikke det, så i det mindste for nogen oplysninger.

Hun var ikke hjemme, men min søde ven, der hjælper fik kontakt til en beboer i ejendommen, der gav en del nye oplysninger. Så informationsrige naboer, kan være en god ting, og var i dette tilfælde. Min biologiske søster rejser tilsyneladende en del, og derfor var hun ikke hjemme. Min veninde efterlod både mit brev, og en hilsen fra hende selv (incl. diverse kontaktinfo.), og så må vi se, hvad der sker. Næste weekend skal hun derned igen, og vil tage forbi og se, om hun kan sludre med naboen igen. Så vi måske kan få en ide om hendes reaktion.

Når man er blevet skuffet så ofte, så forventer man intet, men jeg håber på lidt information og måske fotos. Har tydeligt givet udtryk for, at jeg ikke vil påtvinge nogen mit selskab/en kontakt, men hun er den eneste, der kan give visse informationer, og det kan være for sent lige pludselig. Skulle hun have ombestemt sig, er det selvfølgelig glædeligt og jeg vil selvklart meget gerne se hende/have kontakt. Fingers crossed please! Uanset, kan jeg ikke takke den søde kontakt, jeg har fået i Tyskland nok, for hendes hjælp og engagement.

Lørdag incl. links

Fra min gåtur idag ved Kystvejen – det haglede, stormede og var bare så koldt – mobilfoto

Det har været en god dag i dag. Sov længe, og sneglede mig op. Jeg var træt, men tvang mig igang, for jeg skulle have lavet deller til noget komsammen, jeg skal til i morgen. Men jeg har også et mål om, at jeg skal have mere motion puttet i min hverdag og minimum gå en tur på en time. Så på trods af, hvad føltes som arktisk kulde, kom jeg ud og gå en tur på næsten 1½ time. Jeg var pakket ind, som skulle jeg til Nordpolen og var fuldstændig ukendelig. Min uldne hue fra Irland kom virkelig til sin ret i dag, udover ulden undertrøje m.m. Egentlig havde jeg taget min spejlrefleks med, men på vejen opdagede jeg, at jeg ikke havde mere strøm på batteriet. Noget der yderst sjældent er sket for mig. Men så havde jeg heldigvis den nye teleon (HTC One min nye telefon). Havde ikke nået at sætte mig vildt ind i det med fotos endnu, og det voldte mig lidt kvaler, og vejret indbød ikke til at stå og fumle for længe, men det lykkedes mig da at tage ovensiddende. At sige det var koldt forslår ikke. Hagl og senere sne og vind af stormstyrke – jeg følte mig som noget af en helt, da jeg kom hjem.

Senere har jeg stegt deller som sagt og så ellers bare hygget her. Nu har jeg lige et par småting jeg skal have ordnet inden i morgen og så står den på afslapning. Lige nu her, hvor jeg skulle se noget mens jeg skrev dette, måtte jeg IGEN konstaterer, at det TV, jeg købte hos Medion, var et ualmindeligt dårligt køb. Det er nu gået i stykker for 5 gang – 2. gang lyden går. Nu kan de efterhånden beholde deres l…!!! Jeg kan på ingen måde anbefale et sådant TV og jeg køber ihvertfald ikke sådan et igen! Til gengæld har jeg været godt tilfreds med min computer derfra, men det råder jo ikke bod på det andet.

Jeg falder som sagt altid over interessant, og vil gerne dele det med jer. Først skal I se nogen af de mest fantastiske fotos, jeg længe har set. Det er en russisk kvinde, der har fotograferet sine børn og sine dyr. Helt, helt fantastisk. Ikke mindre fantastiske er disse fotos af dyrebørn i moders liv.

Dette her link, må I love mig I lytter. Jeg har aldrig, aldrig i mit liv, hørt noget lignende. Det skal siges, at pigen som kun er 9 år gammel aldrig har modtaget undervisning. Vær forberedt på at samle din underkæbe op fra gulvet.

Nu vi er ved musikken, så er blev jeg egentlig ret forarget over, at man på P4 pludselig ikke finder Brdr. Olsen gode nok til at blive spillet. Hvad ligner det nu?

Som du ved, er jeg fuldstændig hooked på at se Sporløs. Forleden var der på DR1 et nyt program, jeg ikke har set før, men som viste sig at være norsk af oprindelse og som er sammen princip, omend opbygningen er anderledes. “På sporet” hedder det. Originalen hedder “Tore på sporet“. Det afsnit, jeg så var 2:8, så du kan sagtens nå at hoppe med på vognen. Nu vi taler om den slags, så sker der om en måneds tid initiativ for mig på min adoptionsfront, men det skal jeg fortælle mere om, når jeg ved mere forhåbentligt.

I sammenhæng med en af mange grupper, jeg er med i på Facebook omkring adoption etc., faldt jeg over en ny film med Judi Dench – Philomena (2013), som handler om den praksis man havde omkring piger, der “kom i uføre” og blev sendt bort for at føde deres børn, og så tvunget til at bortadoptere dem. Dette var især i Irland (katolsk) meget ofte til klostre. Denne film bygger på en sand historie og er også en bog, som jeg nu er ved at læse.

Ingen linkssamling uden mad også. Forleden kom jeg i tanke om en ret, jeg ikke har lavet længe, og jeg vil lige minde jer om den også. Enkelt, men meget meget smagfuldt.

Så er der TinyLemontree.com, som er en vegansk blog med de dejligste opskrifter og appetitvækkende fotos. Kig forbi og bliv inspireret.

At rejse er at leve, er der nogen der siger – og man skal spise for at leve. Denne blog (Vegan Miam) handler om begge dele, så svært ikke at lade sig fange! Den er også vegansk.

Som du ved startede jeg også på det med 5:2 faste. Det er ikke blevet til nok, men det skal det nu, og derfor passer det mig fint, at jeg fandt disse links forleden, som handler om faste på vegetarisk vis. Derudover følger jeg 5:2 Veg (engelsk)

Lidt om at søge/A bit about seaching

Som jeg har sagt før, så er jeg noget opgivende omkring hele det her søgeprojekt. Jeg havde sat mit håb til en hjælper, som gør alt hvad hun kan, med den viden, hun har og de kontakter der er. Problemet er manglen på information. Jeg har næsten ingen, og den jeg har, er enten mangelfuld eller direkte forkert, for intet stemmer, eller også stemmer det for godt. Dermed ment, at der er en million (mindst) med samme navn, som min biologiske far.

Så det giver lige så mange muligheder. Fødselsdagen og året som jeg også har, ser ikke ud til at stemme heller, og hvad er chancen så. Selv de erfarne mennesker, og organisationer, der har været involveret er kommet op med ingenting, og jeg begynder at tro, at det ikke er meningen, at jeg skal finde min biologiske far.

Der er dog en mulighed, jeg ikke har prøvet, og som jeg faktisk overvejer og det er en DNA test. Den lyver i det mindste ikke, og så vidt jeg kan se, er det den eneste mulighed, jeg sådan reelt har tilbage. Kommer den så heller ikke op med noget, så tror jeg, at jeg bare dropper det.

Derudover er der hele sagen omkring min biologiske mor. Jeg ved, hvem hun er, og det store linier, men hvad med alle detaljerne – hvem var hun som person, hvad kunne hun lide, hvad med resten af familien – ikke mindst min biologiske mormor, som jo levede til starten af 70’erne. Hvem skal give mig oplysning om hende? Der er kun en, der kan gøre det, og det er min biologiske søster i Berlin.

Spørgsmålet er så, hvad kommer først, og hvad vægter mest (ikke at det er en konkurrence), men alligevel – hensynet til hendes følelser eller mine. Har jeg ret til de oplysninger på trods af hendes ønske om at være i fred, eller? Jo jeg synes jo, det er min ret, at kende min historie/familie, men… det er svært. Lige nu, er jeg mest tilbøjelig til at “kaste håndklædet i ringen” og bare droppe det hele. Selvfølgelig ikke den information, jeg kan få via diverse offentlige arkiver – der ventes på noget så simpelt som dødsattester på mine bedsteforældre stadig. Når de kommer, så er der udfyldt et hul mere, men det er godt nok en langhåret affære.

Jeg hører gerne dine tanker omkring det.

In English:

As I’ve said before, I’m sort of giving up on the whole searching project. I had put my hopes in a helper, who is doing everything she can, with the knowledge, and contacts she’s got. The problem is the lack of information. I hardly have any and the one I got is limited or incorrect, as nothing seems to fit or fitting too well. Meaning there is a million (at least) with the same name as my biological dad.

So that gives me at least as many possibilities. The birthday and year dosen’t seem to be right either
and what are the chances then. Even the proffessional people and organisations, I’ve been in touch with has come up empty and I’m starting to think, I’m not meant to find my biological dad.

There is one possibility I haven’t tried and which I’m contemplating at the moment, and that’s a DNA test. It’s not going to lie at least, and as far as I can see, it’s the only possibility I really have left. If it comes up with nothing, I think I’m just going to leave it.

Then there is the whole business about my biological mother. I know who she is and the overall picture but what about all the details – who was she as a person, what did she like, what about the rest of the family not least my biological grandmother, who lived til the beginning of the 70’s. Who is going to give me information about her? There is only one who can, and that’s my biological sister in Berlin.

The question is, what weighs in the most (not that it’s a competition), but still – the consideration for her feelings or mine? Am I intiteled to these informations inspite her wish to be left alone or? Yes I think it’s my right to know my history/family, but…. it’s difficult. Right now I’m more for just “throwing in the towel” and drop the whole thing. Of course not the information, I can get through the official archives – still waiting for something as simple as deathcertificates on my grandparents. When they arrive it’ll be another hole filled out, but it’s a “hairy” affaire.

I’d like to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Berlin decission

As mentioned her several times, I’m on my way to Berlin very soon. I can’t wait to see the town, where I’m born. That in itself is a good reason to see the city, but apart from that, I’ve only heard that it’s a lovely place.

I have a lot of plans, and I hope I’ll get to do the most in the 7 days. When that is said, I don’t want to stress, but enjoy it. So I need t,o write a very prioritised list one of these days. Very exciting, both to see the town, but also places, where my biological mother has been and where I also was in my first 13 months.

One of the things I’m not going to do, when I get to Belin is to see my biolgogical sister, who lives there with her husband. A lot of people has contributed with input on this, and I’ve reached a desission – I’m not going to contact her. There’s two very good reasons for that in my oppinion.

First time I contacted her was in 1993, where she very kindly wrote back and sent photos of her, our mother andher grave (which she one year later had cancelled it later turned out- to my great sadness). But I’ve decided to visit the church yard. It’s an old and beautiful church yard (from what I’ve been able to see on the net). You know my weekness for those. It was fantastic to get the letter then, but also bittersweet, because she was very clear in the fact that she didn’t want any contact, and that it had been difficult for her to answer me.

She is nearly 20 years older than me, and as such was more or less grown up, when I was born (not the plan at all) and that has properly not been much fun, as the fact that she didn’t grown up with our mother. That’s the ost obvious explainations. Her reason for not meeting as well was also that we had so different lives so she couldn’t see any reason for getting in touch. To me that’s not an argument at all, and she has no idea about how my life has been. We have grown up in different periods and that dosen’t mean we can’t have things in commong. I mean I have had and have friends, that could be my grandparents, parents, children etc. So it might have been to find another reason to justify it to herself to write it. I don’t know.

On the other hand I’ve had a lot of arguements from you to write her again. I do want to empfasize, that I did try and write her a couple of years ago, with all your arguments in hand, that time had passed, and then she would have my contact information (I’ve been moving a lot since the first letter), futhermore she is my only “window” to that side of the family. Photos, histories etc. And yes she is, and especially because the finding my biological father is not going very well either, it’s so much more important – to me! Obviously not to her, and not showing any kind of understanding for that. Or she’s not able to. I did write for all those reasons a couple of years ago – a reccomended letter, that was never picked up. At that time I wasn’t sure if she was still at that adress but later it was confirmed, that she is. That was to me a very clear signal, that she is not interested.

I dont’ understand it, but I have to respect her wishes and I don’t want to hurt her, or want her to think badly of me for not doing so. At the same time, I’m very sad about it, because if nothing else, I’d like the information about the rest of the family. So the decission is that I’m not contacting her. If she changes her mind, I’m not exsactly difficult to find on the net.

In terms of my biological father I’ve had a few oppertunities that are going to be checked out a little more when I get home from Berlin.

Do it out of pure love

We’re having a bit of a discussion at the Danish adoption site’s Facebook page (in Danish). The reason is this article that is about Danish parents who in increasing numbers don’t want children who are too old and has any “faults” as such! That could be sickness, handicaps etc. They see the adopted child as a replacement for the biological child they can’t have. It has to be the ones who adopt for that reason that they can’t have children. What is TOTALLY left out of the article is that this is far from it always the movtivation and some simply choose this solution regardless, seen as something to do as there are so many children out there in need of love and care. And that should be the main reason in my book. You should never be a replacement for a unfulfilled need. If you are, the risk of dissapointment and frustration is very big, and that is properly what happens in a lot of cases, I think.

But like I wrote in the group. Adopted parents do wrong, misunderstand and make the wrong demands on their children and has too many expectations etc. – surprise! And an even larger surprise is that this actually happens to biological parents too. Is it good or bad to be adopted? It can be both. Sometimes really good and all is great and sometimes it goes to hell. Funny enough exsactly like all other families there’s not only good or only bad – there is everything.

When that is said you do have exstra things with you as adopted and that can cause problems in a lot of ways. And if you have fysical difficulties in there as well, that makes things even more complicated. So of course you have to be prepared for the job in hand and you do have to really WANT this with all of your heart. But I’d think that the whole process would eleminate, the ones that don’t. Can you question the motives – sure you can! But we have to asume the will to want it to begin with. If that’s enough in the long run is not a given thing as with biological parents.

What do you think of the article?

End of the road?

I’m wondering, have I reached the end of the road as far as finding out about my ancestors (at least on my biological father side). I fear I have. Last I tried something it ended up in nothing – again. I have two remote posibilities left to try, and I will give them a go, but I don’t have much hope of it succeeding I must say.

In terms of my biological mothers family, I can’t get any closer before they sort out their archives in Berlin, which won’t be until 2013!!! I fail to see how you can let people wait that long for something so important. In this case it’s a matter of their death certificates. I’ve written to their native country Poland, only to get no answer. So where to turn. Of course if I had bucketloads of money I’d throw them at a professioal genaologist – but I haven’t unfortunately.

There’s NO Robert Jones registred with the millitary that they can find, that fits the data I have. I have NO clue as to where to look at all, as he could be from anywhere in the US. I only have a very common name and a birthdate. Not much to go on! I have written whereever I thought relevant, to ask if they had information, and in many cases people don’t even respond. I simply don’t know where to turn next. I have (with the opening of the 1940’s Census) found bunches of Robert Jones’s, but I have nothing to check up against to know if they’re him. So imagine sitting there looking at all these records and each and almost (the one’s that are black anyway and born the right date) all of them, could be him! Frustrating to say the least. It’s food for thought as well when you see these photos. I wonder what lies in my ancetrial baggage.

As far as my mothers parents, and that side of the family, I’ll have to wait – simply wait, but it feels like one long wait. You who have tried this are with me on this I’m sure. And as far as my biological dad goes – I’ve more or less given up. Unless I get help from unexpected people, win the lottery or something similar.

So if you have any suggestions, ideas whatsoever, please come forward. Or if you of course know of a Robert Jones born the 24th. April 1928 (African-American), who was in Berlin, Germany, Europe, at least in 1961, possibly before and after as well. Please get in touch.