Christmas and New Years is often used to make status regarding a lot of things, and this is the case here too. Also about the subject of adoption and that kind of issues. For me personally of course it’s adoption, but the “being left” part dosen’t need to have the label of adoption on it. This is a bit of a long entry, but I hope you stick with me till the end.
Most of those who read my blog knows that I’m adopted. It has never been a secret, on the contrary. You could argue, that with white parents and me being mulatto, some sort of explanation was needed anyway. but I hope and firmly believe that I’d gotten one even if that hadn’t been the case. I have been told the story about how I became their daughter as long as I can remember. That’s the way it should be. Not when the child is a teenager (a way to sensitive age), or when the child is 18 (way too late). You have a right to know where you come from, and you should know as early as possible.
When that is said, I’m not saying, that there can’t be details that children don’t need to hear before they get older. But as far as they ask, they should have an answer that isn’t a lie. If they can “invent” the question, they can properly deal with the answer. That has to be a judgement call but the answer should be as near t the truth as you think is “proper”.
The reasons for me writing this entry is, that I had some answers in my adoptionstory in the year that passed and gerally just thoughts I have had on the subject. Unfortunately, none very good I’ll have to say. But the one answer might explain the other. That I’ll never know, I’m sorry to say. Not on this planet anyhow. One was that I as a last attempt tried writing my biological sister to make sure, she was adiment that she don’t want any contact. She is unfortunately and she’s not going to answer my questions either, but is still of the oppinion that “the past should rest”.
I don’t think so. It’s part of us, men there’s nothing I can do. Later I did get some information, which is part of her past as well, that might explain, why she think it should “rest”. There is a lot Germans think needs to rest and which they are not prould, especillay in connection with 2nd. World War – then I havne’t said too much and you can properly fill out the spaces. But this information is also part of my past, as it’s also my ancestors. Unfortunately I have only found this one information about this in one place and I still need to fill out a lot of blancks. If they’re going to be, I don’t know but I’m still currious. I must admit, I have a hard time believing in finding more information, as there’s not any family or others I can ask. The only thing I can rely on is goverment archives in different places. They are either lacking or defective, or not obtainable or simply lost in the chaos that followd in Germany and other places after a long war.
What should be the conclusion of this, I don’t know. Whatever the reason I can’t make any sense of it. The few times I’ve written to her, she has answered nicely, but has also been very firm in her believe about no contact. I don’t understand, why she’s reacting like this. As I see it, she has nothing to loose. But that’s the way it is. I make no secret of that I feel bad about it. No matter how you look at it, it’s a rejection and that’s never nice. It is only made worse of the fact that I don’t have any other family on that side, as my biological mother passed years back and as far as I know, there isn’t any other family. If there is any relatives from siblings of my biological mothers parents I don’t know. That was one of the questions for my biological sister.
That was a little about the personal side of things. The next I next, was what I really wanted to say with this entry. As most of you know I watch “Sporløs” and I’m almost equally touched every time (and before you ask, yes I have been in touch with them). Another programme series, I’ve started to follow is called “Meldt Savnet” (missing) in Danish and in English “The Locater”, and is sent on the ID channel, but very early in the morning, so normally I record it. I had heard of Troy Dunn (The Locater) earlier, and he is also a possiblity in the businees of finding my biological father potentielly, if what’s going on at present is not succesful. I was very close to writing him, when I had contact to then one helping me now. If anything comes of it, I doubt, but let’s see.
But to stay “on track” I’ve been watching these programmes. Troy Dunn finds missing familymembers in them. When I say family memebers it can be sisters, brothers, daughters, mothers, fathers etc.
After I have seen quite a large number of them, I’m totally in chock over what “well meaning” mothers, fathers, grand parents etc. often do to part children from their mums or dads. Very, very often these parents have been portraitet as bad parents who is not worth knowing, if they have not been lied dead or supposedly chosen to dissapear, when it was actually themselves who refused them access to their own child.
Left behind is children with broken hearts who dosen’t understand and who often feel it’s their fault, that they are left behind. who often feel it’s their fault that they were left behind. Why are you letting your own child down and don’t want to see it?? Children can’t process it or understand, and they yearn for an explanation. We see it adopted children, but here we are also talking about children, who as mentioned above, were separated from their pareents (that could be mother or father or both). How do you in even relatively moderne times, get to a point where you can be that selfish, is beyound me. Very often it has been grandparents who has been pulling the strings and who obviously dominate their children to some awful decissions. It has to be said that these programmes is in USA, where the system is very different. Partly as far as adoption goes but also in terms of it’s far easier to dissapear. But there is lesson in this for all.
Whatever you think of your son/daughter-in-law, ex-husband/wife, the child in this “game” needs contact with her father, mother etc. Maybe you didn’t get along, for whatever reason. Unless there are very serious reasons (addiction, abuse etc.) that the child dosen’t want to get involved. Anyhow when adult it should have the oppertunity to make up it’s own mind. And you can in as neutral a way as possoble tell the truth before and say, that if they still want to, the contact can be made later. Apart from harming the child and the left out parent with the lies, there’s also the risk that you “shoot yourself in the foot”. If I fould out that one of my parents had been lying about the other my whole life and intentionally has kept me from him, I know who I would blame! So for God’s sake don’t. It’s not your decission, but one you have to make yourself with all the information.
Unfortunately there is parents who for reasons beyond me, don’t want to see their children. I have to be honest and say, my heart bleeds for the children, but in a sense, they might be better of without them. They’ll have to deal with that there’s a lot we don’t understand and live with it.
In terms of adoption, I also have to say, it most certainly has to be a last option. In civilised countries, there are reasons as drugs, drink and mental illness or simply illness, but it has to be a last and only resort. Here we haven’t event mentioned the things that are into play, when we’re talking about Undeveloped countries. Thank you if you stayed with me this far, and of course feel free to give me your take on it below.