En afslutning

Du husker måske, at jeg skrev dette indlæg, omkring at få nogle informationer fra min biologiske søster. I dag fandt jeg et kort i min postkasse fra hende, som definitivt lukker den dør, og uden jeg er blevet en klap klogere. Lidt i form af endnu et foto af min mor og hendes mor (vores mormor), men ellers ikke.

Ikke et ubehagligt brev som sådan, men bare meget tydeligt, at der ikke er noget at komme efter der – desværre. Selvom det var ventet, en underlig og trist fornemmelse! Så nu tror jeg ikke, jeg orker at lede mere på nogen måde. Jeg har forsøgt alt, og jeg har ikke mere energi på den konto nu. Den energi jeg har, vil jeg hellere bruge på andre ting. Dukker der mirakuløst informationer op, er det fint, og gør der ikke, så må det være sådan. Så derfor en afslutning!

Et sidste forsøg

Jeg har ikke talt om det længe her,og det er såmænd fordi der ikke har været noget, at fortælle. Omkring min søgen efter biologiske rødder/ophav/informationer.

Lidt er der dog sket nu. En kontakt, jeg har fået i Tyskland, har på mine vegne prøvet at opsøge min biologiske søster i Berlin for et sidste forsøg på eventuelt kontakt, og hvis ikke det, så i det mindste for nogen oplysninger.

Hun var ikke hjemme, men min søde ven, der hjælper fik kontakt til en beboer i ejendommen, der gav en del nye oplysninger. Så informationsrige naboer, kan være en god ting, og var i dette tilfælde. Min biologiske søster rejser tilsyneladende en del, og derfor var hun ikke hjemme. Min veninde efterlod både mit brev, og en hilsen fra hende selv (incl. diverse kontaktinfo.), og så må vi se, hvad der sker. Næste weekend skal hun derned igen, og vil tage forbi og se, om hun kan sludre med naboen igen. Så vi måske kan få en ide om hendes reaktion.

Når man er blevet skuffet så ofte, så forventer man intet, men jeg håber på lidt information og måske fotos. Har tydeligt givet udtryk for, at jeg ikke vil påtvinge nogen mit selskab/en kontakt, men hun er den eneste, der kan give visse informationer, og det kan være for sent lige pludselig. Skulle hun have ombestemt sig, er det selvfølgelig glædeligt og jeg vil selvklart meget gerne se hende/have kontakt. Fingers crossed please! Uanset, kan jeg ikke takke den søde kontakt, jeg har fået i Tyskland nok, for hendes hjælp og engagement.

Lidt om at søge/A bit about seaching

Som jeg har sagt før, så er jeg noget opgivende omkring hele det her søgeprojekt. Jeg havde sat mit håb til en hjælper, som gør alt hvad hun kan, med den viden, hun har og de kontakter der er. Problemet er manglen på information. Jeg har næsten ingen, og den jeg har, er enten mangelfuld eller direkte forkert, for intet stemmer, eller også stemmer det for godt. Dermed ment, at der er en million (mindst) med samme navn, som min biologiske far.

Så det giver lige så mange muligheder. Fødselsdagen og året som jeg også har, ser ikke ud til at stemme heller, og hvad er chancen så. Selv de erfarne mennesker, og organisationer, der har været involveret er kommet op med ingenting, og jeg begynder at tro, at det ikke er meningen, at jeg skal finde min biologiske far.

Der er dog en mulighed, jeg ikke har prøvet, og som jeg faktisk overvejer og det er en DNA test. Den lyver i det mindste ikke, og så vidt jeg kan se, er det den eneste mulighed, jeg sådan reelt har tilbage. Kommer den så heller ikke op med noget, så tror jeg, at jeg bare dropper det.

Derudover er der hele sagen omkring min biologiske mor. Jeg ved, hvem hun er, og det store linier, men hvad med alle detaljerne – hvem var hun som person, hvad kunne hun lide, hvad med resten af familien – ikke mindst min biologiske mormor, som jo levede til starten af 70’erne. Hvem skal give mig oplysning om hende? Der er kun en, der kan gøre det, og det er min biologiske søster i Berlin.

Spørgsmålet er så, hvad kommer først, og hvad vægter mest (ikke at det er en konkurrence), men alligevel – hensynet til hendes følelser eller mine. Har jeg ret til de oplysninger på trods af hendes ønske om at være i fred, eller? Jo jeg synes jo, det er min ret, at kende min historie/familie, men… det er svært. Lige nu, er jeg mest tilbøjelig til at “kaste håndklædet i ringen” og bare droppe det hele. Selvfølgelig ikke den information, jeg kan få via diverse offentlige arkiver – der ventes på noget så simpelt som dødsattester på mine bedsteforældre stadig. Når de kommer, så er der udfyldt et hul mere, men det er godt nok en langhåret affære.

Jeg hører gerne dine tanker omkring det.

In English:

As I’ve said before, I’m sort of giving up on the whole searching project. I had put my hopes in a helper, who is doing everything she can, with the knowledge, and contacts she’s got. The problem is the lack of information. I hardly have any and the one I got is limited or incorrect, as nothing seems to fit or fitting too well. Meaning there is a million (at least) with the same name as my biological dad.

So that gives me at least as many possibilities. The birthday and year dosen’t seem to be right either
and what are the chances then. Even the proffessional people and organisations, I’ve been in touch with has come up empty and I’m starting to think, I’m not meant to find my biological dad.

There is one possibility I haven’t tried and which I’m contemplating at the moment, and that’s a DNA test. It’s not going to lie at least, and as far as I can see, it’s the only possibility I really have left. If it comes up with nothing, I think I’m just going to leave it.

Then there is the whole business about my biological mother. I know who she is and the overall picture but what about all the details – who was she as a person, what did she like, what about the rest of the family not least my biological grandmother, who lived til the beginning of the 70’s. Who is going to give me information about her? There is only one who can, and that’s my biological sister in Berlin.

The question is, what weighs in the most (not that it’s a competition), but still – the consideration for her feelings or mine? Am I intiteled to these informations inspite her wish to be left alone or? Yes I think it’s my right to know my history/family, but…. it’s difficult. Right now I’m more for just “throwing in the towel” and drop the whole thing. Of course not the information, I can get through the official archives – still waiting for something as simple as deathcertificates on my grandparents. When they arrive it’ll be another hole filled out, but it’s a “hairy” affaire.

I’d like to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Berlin decission

As mentioned her several times, I’m on my way to Berlin very soon. I can’t wait to see the town, where I’m born. That in itself is a good reason to see the city, but apart from that, I’ve only heard that it’s a lovely place.

I have a lot of plans, and I hope I’ll get to do the most in the 7 days. When that is said, I don’t want to stress, but enjoy it. So I need t,o write a very prioritised list one of these days. Very exciting, both to see the town, but also places, where my biological mother has been and where I also was in my first 13 months.

One of the things I’m not going to do, when I get to Belin is to see my biolgogical sister, who lives there with her husband. A lot of people has contributed with input on this, and I’ve reached a desission – I’m not going to contact her. There’s two very good reasons for that in my oppinion.

First time I contacted her was in 1993, where she very kindly wrote back and sent photos of her, our mother andher grave (which she one year later had cancelled it later turned out- to my great sadness). But I’ve decided to visit the church yard. It’s an old and beautiful church yard (from what I’ve been able to see on the net). You know my weekness for those. It was fantastic to get the letter then, but also bittersweet, because she was very clear in the fact that she didn’t want any contact, and that it had been difficult for her to answer me.

She is nearly 20 years older than me, and as such was more or less grown up, when I was born (not the plan at all) and that has properly not been much fun, as the fact that she didn’t grown up with our mother. That’s the ost obvious explainations. Her reason for not meeting as well was also that we had so different lives so she couldn’t see any reason for getting in touch. To me that’s not an argument at all, and she has no idea about how my life has been. We have grown up in different periods and that dosen’t mean we can’t have things in commong. I mean I have had and have friends, that could be my grandparents, parents, children etc. So it might have been to find another reason to justify it to herself to write it. I don’t know.

On the other hand I’ve had a lot of arguements from you to write her again. I do want to empfasize, that I did try and write her a couple of years ago, with all your arguments in hand, that time had passed, and then she would have my contact information (I’ve been moving a lot since the first letter), futhermore she is my only “window” to that side of the family. Photos, histories etc. And yes she is, and especially because the finding my biological father is not going very well either, it’s so much more important – to me! Obviously not to her, and not showing any kind of understanding for that. Or she’s not able to. I did write for all those reasons a couple of years ago – a reccomended letter, that was never picked up. At that time I wasn’t sure if she was still at that adress but later it was confirmed, that she is. That was to me a very clear signal, that she is not interested.

I dont’ understand it, but I have to respect her wishes and I don’t want to hurt her, or want her to think badly of me for not doing so. At the same time, I’m very sad about it, because if nothing else, I’d like the information about the rest of the family. So the decission is that I’m not contacting her. If she changes her mind, I’m not exsactly difficult to find on the net.

In terms of my biological father I’ve had a few oppertunities that are going to be checked out a little more when I get home from Berlin.